This is going to be a long vent.
Don’t read it. I just need to get this out and off my chest. And being that its 3:30am I have nobody to talk to.
I’ve been talking to someone since October. We have the best of times together. It’s like we’re invincible. On New Years I fucked things up. She found out and did something even more fucked up. Things weren’t well between us. However, we came to an agreement that we both cared too much about each other to let go. We put the past behind us and started fresh. I’ll never forget that day at the aquarium shortly after valentines day. I’ve never felt more alive in my life. We started back up again. Little did I know this would be the last time I would see her. Everything was fine. Flirting, phone calls, constant texting back and fourth. Then it slowed down. About a month went by where I hadn’t seen her. I called upset and she assured me everything was fine, that she misses me and wants everything to work out. She said its the crazy hours at her job that’s making her distant, and nothing else. Another month goes by, same thing happens. I call upset and she says I’m just over thinking. Now it’s been almost 3 months. I routinely called wondering what’s going on. I can’t keep waiting around like this. I explain how I feel, she tells me she wants it to work, she just doesn’t know how because just as she moves into her new house, I’ll be going on tour for 2 months. This scares both of us. However, I tell her we can make it work and we made plans to hang out sometime in the next week (this week). The phone call ended on a positive note. She texts me the next day saying Monday or Wednesday would be good to see each other, but shed have to double check the schedule. I never got a text back. I asked her again a few days later and still nothing. Then, while I haven’t heard a response from her, I see she’s flirting with some dude on Instagram. Shit like that is normally harmless and wouldn’t bother me. But if you’re ignoring me and doing so, that’s when it’s messed up. I texted her saying I’m done trying and that I can’t do this anymore. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I put so much effort into this “relationship” and have received very little in return. I don’t believe that within 3 months, there wasn’t one day she couldn’t make time for me. Maybe I was stupid for waiting so long, but when she keeps reassuring me that it’s just her job and moving into the house, I believe her. Part of me wishes that we never rekindled what we had after the New Years incident. For what? To hang out and be perfect together twice? The other part of me still wants this so fucking bad. I feel lost. The feeling we share together is just surreal. I’ve never had that before. Will I ever feel that with someone else? But is someone like this really worth all the stress. They say the biggest obstacles have the greatest pay off. Last week she said she wanted to see me and missed me. Could things really change that fast? I’m just rambling now. I can’t sleep and my mind is racing. I hate this.
